Pineapple

Today I was a pineapple for a day-- Katie had fantasy hair day in cosmetology so I was her lovely model

Random right?

PS Remember my blind date Jake from last year?? The one that talked about bowel movements and such.. well he's engaged-- I saw the pics on facebook the other day. He was SO good looking, but SO kinda weird.. funny funny

My New Goal

Lately I've been kind of a complainer. It seems like everything that I want to do the Lord doesn't want me to do.. it's been proven time and time again!

-I want Brazil-- the Lord says No

-I want to move to the Valley come January-- the Lord says go back to Hometown

-I'm nervous and unsure about going to BYU (and scared that I'll become a crazy ZOOBIE!) and think another school might be a better choice for me-- the Lord says No..

Today I went to the Y and had a campus tour and I STILL am unsure about it... but it's all I have right now-- So I'm going to start EMBRACING and stop rejecting.

The End.

The Brain

I was thinking today about how AMAZING our brain is-- I'm mostly talking about triggers... not gun triggers but memory triggers. It's amazing how your senses will trigger memories and they're so vivid! I dunno it's weird!

For instance:

~Last night I went with a couple of friends to this "haunted" ghost town out in the boonies and I won't lie I really wasn't scared. The boys told a bunch of truly scary stories to get us in the mood to be scared & they didn't scare me really, but it scared the other girls .. anyways there was this HUGE creepy rundown barn and we went inside-- But when I walked in I looked around with a smile on my face. WHY? Because the look and smell of that old barn reminded me of one of my favorite places on earth. Every summer of my life I've gone up to our family's ranch in Idaho. It's beautiful and carries with it the happy memories! So instead of being like the other pansy girls there and clinging to the nearest male figure I walked confidently because our barn brought no bad feelings, so why should that barn?

~When I'm listening to General Conference I can close my eyes and I feel like I'm 9 years old again at Grandma's house with all of the cousins trying to play, but not being able to focus on anything but the sound of Conference echoing throughout the house, but with that sound comes the almost tangible smell and taste of roast beef from Grandma's kitchen. My mouth is literally watering right now thinking about it!

~Music is AMAZING to me. I love it. Whenever I hear the song Fantasy by Mariah Carey-- OH MY. I'm back to 7th East. I don't even know how old I was but about 3rd grade and Me, Sporty, my sisters, her sister, and her cousins got together and we made up dances to songs like Get Down by Backstreet Boys, Mariah Carey, Beach Boys, etc. Then after literally WEEKS of practicing-performed them for our families for FHE one night... We had the first couple of songs, then a wardrobe change during which Will told Elephant jokes, and then we finished with a couple more dances. That was like 12 years ago-- AND I CAN STILL DO MOST OF THE ACTIONS! ha ha!

Like I said brains are amazing but sometimes I wonder why I can remember the words to songs that I haven't heard in like 5 years, but I can't remember half the stuff I learned in biology 2 weeks ago.. Food for thought.

Biology 1010

This semester for me is JAMMED. Because I'm graduating early (in December) I have a 17 credit hour load which includes Biology 1010. My current GPA is a 3.87 and I'm super proud of it! but I can get a much better scholarship at any university in the state if I have a 3.9 to transfer aka I HAVE to get a 4.0 this semester to raise it. So I set that as my goal. My road block-- Biology 1010.

I won't lie I am a pretty smart girl.. I don't study a ton for tests, but this class is ROUGH. I can honestly tell you that I've never read a textbook in my life.. like maybe a page here or there, but I READ my book.. I go to class every day and I put in at least 8-10 hours of studying for each test. I work my butt off. Our class started with about 40 students and is down to 25 because people dropped out. Before they dropped out our test average was a 65% and now it's a 74%..

I just want to express to you how tough this class is so that you appreciate it when I tell you that I got the TOP SCORE on the last test! and I currently have a 96%... :D It's been freaking tough, but it's taught me to study and discipline because as I get further into school it'll become harder and harder, so I needed a class to kind of prep me for upper division classes and it's just been good for me! So I just wanted to share that news with you that I am achieving the goal.. and I'm proud of me.

Stress Relief

So I'm a pretty busy girl lately, but I've started to really love to just edit pictures. My sister was married in June and her photographer was a super cool guy and took some really good pictures, but he didn't edit any of them. He gave us 2 CD's with over 400 raw pictures on them-- She was kind of upset because they looked pretty bland so I told her that I'd edit them when I had time and it really is super fun to look at the before and afters! I wish I was as good as some of my friends that have a natural eye for color, depth, and art in general, but regardless it helps me unwind! and it never ceases to amaze me what editing can do for a picture! So here are some of them:

Isn't she just beautiful?

The Beginning and The Reason

As I mentioned in the previous post Homecoming 2005 changed my life. I vividly remember telling my friend Amanda that if "Brazil" Larsen asked me to Homecoming I would probably pee my pants. He was my dream. He is a year older than me and just SO cool! Well he asked me! and I didn't pee my pants, but I was more excited than you can imagine. I look back at pictures and I was just so awkward and truly ugly! ha ha no fashion sense, just weird! But I guess he saw some potential ;)

Because you might not be able to tell.. I'm in the turquoise dress and Brazil is in the gray shirt with the white tie.. and he kept making me laugh when they were taking the picture so the reason my arms aren't folded is because I'm pinching his leg ha ha- random memory that I just remembered!

Brazil was my first date, but the reason this date is set apart is because on this night he kissed me. 4 years ago today was my first kiss and I remember sitting in his car after the dance staring at my feet not knowing what to do and then he just did it... and it was amazing... and it was all head over heals from that point on. 4 years. 1/5 of our lives. October 15th will always be special to me.

A lot of people have asked me why-- he'd only been home a week and a half! I've been told I should've given it more time and let him adjust before I decided, but here's what happened. Brazil came home and I had never smiled bigger in my life.. I couldn't stop touching him... I always had to be right next to him, or touching his arm, etc. And he felt the same- it was as if I thought that if I let him go he might disappear again. Everything was good, but I'm telling you now that in the days that followed I got powerful, distinct impressions that I needed to end things with Brazil. I was horrified-- I didn't post for days and when people asked about him I'd just beat around the bush because I knew deep down that I had to do the thing that I had dreaded above all and I was at a loss for words.

I told myself that I should give it time-- and make sure that this was what I REALLY needed to do, but I was abruptly told No.. Do it now. I cried. After that all I could do was accept the Lord's will for me and I began preparing to tell him. And then I did the hardest thing that I've ever done up to this point. But the Lord is in this. I went to conference and the part that was directed at me was when Elder Scott said:

"As you gain experience and success in being guided by the spirit, your confidence in the impressions you feel can become more certain than your depencence upon what you see or hear."

Despite what my physical senses tell me, my spiritual senses say something different. I been thinking a lot about weird things that people were asked to do in the scriptures.. Noah was asked to build an ark and put a bunch of animals on it?? what the crap? Nephi was asked to KILL a man? That's against EVERYTHING he'd been taught and makes zero sense! We read those stories and because we know the end result and the blessings that came from their decision we don't look at the magnitude of what they were asked to do initially. Now I am in NO way saying that I am comparable to Nephi or Noah because I know that at moments I have not handled myself or the situation in the best manner as they would have and for those it might've affected I appologize, but I'm trying. And I know that I was asked to do something of the Lord that seems impossible. It doesn't make any sense to me or to him-- but I've never seen the Lord lead anyone astray. I think we can all look at times in our lives when we wanted to ask WHY? but the answer didn't come for months or years... I might look back in 30 years and think that my decision wasn't so hard based on the outcome or blessings that came into both of our lives, but as for now I'm building my ark, for reasons I don't understand yet, and some people are saying I'm crazy, but I will go and do.

Without Her--I Can't Imagine

I have known Kayla since 1999 when I moved to hometown. She is two years older than I am and I was ALWAYS super intimidated by her. She was in my ward and I honestly don't know if we even spoke to each other until 2005:

Homecoming 2005 changed everything in my life. Bo, who had hardly spoken to Kayla and didn't really even know her, asked her to homecoming... and who asked me... Brazil ;) look at those young bucks! I remember Bo freaking out saying I can't ask her I don't even know her! and I was like Kayla's nice I think.. she's in my ward. ha ha

After that it was history. Bo and Kayla slowly hooked up & Brazil and I were tied at the hip... we did everything together-- we doubled on dates, we went to prom, etc. We were the Quad.
Then tragedy struck and our boys left us after almost 2 years of being inseparable. So what did we do? We coped together...

We went on road trips (singing Mayday Parade the whole time)

Remember our Allred obsession?

We did everything that reminded us of them-- we stayed up on countless nights saying things about them that we'd said thousands of times before, but we didn't care because she wanted to talk about Bo just as much as I wanted to talk about Brazil so we just rambled for hours on end.

Two years past for me-- and who was there while I got ready to see him? took pictures? and shared Brazil's and my moment when he got home??

Kayla

Then TRUE tragedy struck and I called her crying not knowing what to do because being with Brazil didn't feel right and I didn't know what to do.. who comforted me best? Who supported my decision, even though it probably meant that the Quad wouldn't survive? Who was the FIRST person I called afterwards? And who cancelled all of her plans in order to drive two hours to comfort me on the hardest day of my life?

Kayla

So to distract me we drove up to General Conference and bartered on the streets for PLAZA (aka floor) level seats!

Then when I went to Mayday instead of abandoning me to be in all the action with all the boys, she came out of the craziness to spend most of the concert by my side.
And this weekend was our paint dance and she came down again just to hang out and spend time..
Even though Brazil and I didn't work out if nothing else I'm grateful for the opportunity I had to find her--

Dear Kayla:

You're the best. I won't lie sometimes I wondered while the boys were gone whether or not we would be friends if it weren't for them... because that's literally all we talked about! Ha Ha.. but that was stupid of me. You have been there for me always. and I feel so blessed to have had someone by my side that can truly sympathize with EVERYTHING that I'm going through. You've helped me through the hardest times of my life and you truly are my best friend and I hope that I've done something for you along the way also... but don't even worry I'll be right by your side as you welcome Bo home. For better or for worse ;)

Loves girl!

Klinny

Worth it???

Here's the deal:

Brazil's birthday was on the 12th so when he got home I gave him 2 tickets to Mayday Parade as his belated present.. they're my FAVORITE band in the world (their best song is I'd Hate to be You When People Find Out What This Song is About FYI ;) and he likes them too! I was so excited!... we didn't make it long enough to go together (it's my fault...). After we broke up he asked what I wanted to do with the tickets and I told him that they were a gift and that he should go and take one of our friends that didn't have a ticket yet (a big group of us were going to go together)... so he did...

The concert was yesterday and I was DYING! The band is from Florida and they don't come very often. Kla called me before and asked what kind of T-shirt I wanted, told me they were meeting the band right then, etc... I couldn't take it.... I got in the car and drove.

I parked about two blocks away from the venue and RAN two and half SLC blocks to get there. I made it with literally 5 minutes to spare. I found Posh Spice (it was SO good to see her!) and then Kla found me...

She said that she'd told Brazil that I would be there because I just COULDN'T miss it and that I would keep my distance (because it's just hard to see each other). He said that he understood completely.

So Mayday performed and I screamed so loud that my throat throbbed.

It was spectacular, but once they were done and the other band was playing it became a game of look over my shoulder and glance all around me to make sure that I didn't run into him.. because I KNOW it's hard for him.. not that it's a cake walk for me.. but it was just rough. I know that he caught glimpeses of me at times, but I tried my hardest not to ruin his night while still trying to enjoy mine.

Can I even express to you how HARD it is to wait for someone for TWO WHOLE YEARS.. miss them constantly and maybe sometimes pray in vain that they break their leg so that they can come home early and see you ;) .. and then 2 weeks after they get home find yourself avoiding that person in order to not break both of your hearts even more then they already are.... Well in case you can't truly empathize with me I'll just let you know that it's the worst and I wish my pain on no one... Not even Hilter--

ok maybe Hitler ;)

But I just keep asking myself.. was seeing my favorite band EVER worth the pain for both of us? I'm still undecided.

A Different Path

Brazil and I are no longer together. After much fasting and prayer I realized that there is a different path for me right now. It's hard. Brazil and I have an extensive past together-- full of memories and moments that I wouldn't trade for the world. But for some reason we aren't supposed to be together right now.

So many doors have been opened for both of us that we never planned. He managed to get a scholarship to "chosen university" for Spring semester (I don't know if he realizes how significant that is... they RARELY give scholarships for Spring.. they are usually given in the Fall) and this isn't any scholarship.. it's one doing graphic design for the school, which is his major. So not only does he get all his tuition covered but he will build his portfolio at the same time. This is only one of the blessing that have come into his life as of late, but the Lord has a plan for him and he is opening doors for him.

As for me... Everyone always told me to have a plan B. I did--sort of. I swear on my life that I thought we'd be together, so I never REALLY gave plan B a thought, but here I am a month and a half from graduation (I'm graduating early) and I had no real direction at all. No preference for school, no "declared" major, etc. But after a series of intense prayer, pondering, & blessings I feel like I'll find myself at the Y this coming Fall and I'll possibly move to that general area come January... Talk about wrench in the gears.. Whether I like it or not I am a small town girl. I have always lived in smaller towns, but come January I'll be in total culture shock as I adapt to life in the big city (it's not that big.. but for me it is!).

I have taken the biggest leap of faith of my life so far. Brazil is everything that I've known for the last 4 years of my life. And even though our hearts are broken, I know that the Lord has a plan for both of us. There are still lessons to be learned and experiences to be had. And life would be unfair if happiness wasn't attainable.. but I know that together or separate we can both obtain happiness if we live our lives the way that we should. I know that I have made the hardest decision of my life but I also know that it was the correct decision for me.

"Sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same."

-The Fray

"Why is a dangerous question- because when asked of someone in authority, it implies that you question their judgement.."

Why is also the hardest question NOT to ask.