As I mentioned in the previous post Homecoming 2005 changed my life. I vividly remember telling my friend Amanda that if "Brazil" Larsen asked me to Homecoming I would probably pee my pants. He was my dream. He is a year older than me and just SO cool! Well he asked me! and I didn't pee my pants, but I was more excited than you can imagine. I look back at pictures and I was just so awkward and truly ugly! ha ha no fashion sense, just weird! But I guess he saw some potential ;)
Because you might not be able to tell.. I'm in the turquoise dress and Brazil is in the gray shirt with the white tie.. and he kept making me laugh when they were taking the picture so the reason my arms aren't folded is because I'm pinching his leg ha ha- random memory that I just remembered!
Brazil was my first date, but the reason this date is set apart is because on this night he kissed me. 4 years ago today was my first kiss and I remember sitting in his car after the dance staring at my feet not knowing what to do and then he just did it... and it was amazing... and it was all head over heals from that point on. 4 years. 1/5 of our lives. October 15th will always be special to me.
A lot of people have asked me why-- he'd only been home a week and a half! I've been told I should've given it more time and let him adjust before I decided, but here's what happened. Brazil came home and I had never smiled bigger in my life.. I couldn't stop touching him... I always had to be right next to him, or touching his arm, etc. And he felt the same- it was as if I thought that if I let him go he might disappear again. Everything was good, but I'm telling you now that in the days that followed I got powerful, distinct impressions that I needed to end things with Brazil. I was horrified-- I didn't post for days and when people asked about him I'd just beat around the bush because I knew deep down that I had to do the thing that I had dreaded above all and I was at a loss for words.
I told myself that I should give it time-- and make sure that this was what I REALLY needed to do, but I was abruptly told No.. Do it now. I cried. After that all I could do was accept the Lord's will for me and I began preparing to tell him. And then I did the hardest thing that I've ever done up to this point. But the Lord is in this. I went to conference and the part that was directed at me was when Elder Scott said:
"As you gain experience and success in being guided by the spirit, your confidence in the impressions you feel can become more certain than your depencence upon what you see or hear."
Despite what my physical senses tell me, my spiritual senses say something different. I been thinking a lot about weird things that people were asked to do in the scriptures.. Noah was asked to build an ark and put a bunch of animals on it?? what the crap? Nephi was asked to KILL a man? That's against EVERYTHING he'd been taught and makes zero sense! We read those stories and because we know the end result and the blessings that came from their decision we don't look at the magnitude of what they were asked to do initially. Now I am in NO way saying that I am comparable to Nephi or Noah because I know that at moments I have not handled myself or the situation in the best manner as they would have and for those it might've affected I appologize, but I'm trying. And I know that I was asked to do something of the Lord that seems impossible. It doesn't make any sense to me or to him-- but I've never seen the Lord lead anyone astray. I think we can all look at times in our lives when we wanted to ask WHY? but the answer didn't come for months or years... I might look back in 30 years and think that my decision wasn't so hard based on the outcome or blessings that came into both of our lives, but as for now I'm building my ark, for reasons I don't understand yet, and some people are saying I'm crazy, but I will go and do.
2 comments:
You have such great faith. Revelation is an interesting thing, and so personal. I hope that you can continue to stand strong despite what everyone else says. You are a great example. Keep moving forward.
Been there, done that. It sucks! You really wish you had a reason to totally hate the person because that would make things so much easier. Two years is a long time to fantasize about a reunion and then to decide that it would be better to not see each other seems to make no sense at all. It's like a band-aid the quicker you rip it off the better. People will think you are crazy, but that is why you just have to follow the Spirit. P.s. it might not take 30 years to realize the blessings ;).
Post a Comment