"Boys, if they hath not faith, end up dead.. being alone" -James 2:17

ok ok so that's not how the scripture goes.. but this week I likened the scriptures unto myself and there is the application :) haha. Story time? Naturally!

Here is the deal. Last Sunday we made the calzones and watched the CES deal.. well James and I were coming to a fork in the road.. either we were going to move forward and do something or we were going to be done! Last Tuesday I was sitting in my room trying to prep my seminary lesson for the next day but I couldn't focus.. I kept thinking about what I was going to say to him if we talked. I ended up putting my seminary stuff aside and I just started running scenarios through my head. What would I say, How would I say it, etc. After like 10 minutes my phone goes DING DING.. it was James.. this was the conversation:

I was totally thrown off by how upfront he was! I just started laughing and then responded and he ended up calling me thirty minutes later. We talked for over an hour.. I started the conversation by telling him exactly how I felt about not being a 'back burner girl' and that it needed to be going somewhere or not at all. The conversation boiled down to this:

Kaylen.. You are so awesome. You are everything that I need in a future wife. I wake up thinking about you and I go to bed thinking about you.. I have been taking out a lot of other girls, but I don't compliment them like I compliment you. I don't take them out consistently either! You would never be back burner girl! The only problem is that in 2 months you are going to England and you will be there for 7 weeks. That will be no fun for me because I won't be able to "get to know people" (aka date or do ANYTHING fun) for 7 whole weeks and that doesn't sound enjoyable to me. My dad told me to date a lot after I got back from my mission and so I've been doing that.. (he is 24) I don't want to say yes to you because that means that I would be saying no to the other 5,000+ eligable girls at BYU and that scares me because there might be someone prettier, more athletic, more musically inclined, or all over better than you (not said but definitely implied)... so can we just keep it in third gear or shift it down into second gear and keep dating other people until July when you get back and then we can see where it goes from there?

No. No in a million ways. No I won't shift down to second gear because then I am TOTALLY back burner girl! Boys think they are being SOOOOO cautious by dating a lot of girls and in their minds they think "The prophet says get married.. so I'm dating a ton!!" WRONG! The prophet says get married.. which means stop dating around and commit already! The funny thing is that we aren't even talking about marriage.. we're just contemplating the idea of dating more seriously. Where is the faith? Where is the faith to move forward to do as the prophet has said? Why would you not want to initiate the most crucial part of the Plan of Happiness in your life? Why would you WANT TO KEEP DATING? That's the part that I really don't get. I am SO sick of dating. I honestly don't care how many siblings are in your family.. I don't care what your life goals are.. so sorry. Why? Why would you want to continue playing that game?

I confronted him about a lot of issues. He asked if I had thought about us and England and I told him that I didn't even know what I was teaching in class tomorrow! And England is in TWO MONTHS! There is plenty of time to decide whether or not this is worthwhile before we even have to confront that issue..James, life is about faith! It's about walking in the darkness, stepping into murky water and taking risks when prompted or commanded! Dating is a gamble.. you either gamble me and lose me.. or you keep me at the loss of the other 5,000 girls. You have to decide. Third gear is idealistic, but not realistic.. we either move to 4th or we shut off the car.

(this summery of the conversation is pretty raw.. It lacks the fluff of niceness and respect with which we addressed each other and basically just lays out in essence what was said)

We ended up deciding that we were too tired to make the decision that night.. that we were both going to think about it and then talk soon...

That was Tuesday night.

Wednesday morning I already knew what I would say to him.. "James whatever you decide you want to do is right! If you choose not to date me then I'm glad! Because I need a boy that can walk in darkness with faith and jump into murky pools head first without looking back.. because that's who I am and that's how I roll! So if you can't date me because you are being "cautious" aka terrified of marriage then I don't want to be with you either because I want to be with a man full of faith! However if you choose yes then great! That shows me that you have human fears, but you are willing to go forward with faith regardless.. and that is SO attractive to me." Either way I felt like I was a winner!

Well I haven't heard from him since haha and usually I take things like that kinda hard. I hate rejection..But I have been totally fine! I know that James and I would be so great together.. and to be honest I think that is what scared him the most... that this might actually be IT. But that's the thing! No faith! No desire to move forward and progress! That's a lie.... he does want to have a family, but in his words: "It will be some much fun to be a dad! I can't wait! But getting to that point (aka engagement and wedding) feels like walking through cob webs to me."

ANYWAY that's the story. My first question on my next good date is going to be "Are you scared of commitment for any reason? Because the last 3 boys that I have liked have all turned out to be flakes when it comes to moving forward and I'm sick of playing that game.."

LOL This post makes me laugh because I feel like one of those "single sisters" that writes complaints to The First Presidency about boys not dating to marry. I am not by any means desperate, I'm just sick of hearing the same story over and over.. "you're amazing! But saying yes to you means I have to say no to every other girl.. and you're not cool enough for me to gamble ALL that... but stick around and maybe we can reconvene when the timing is more convenient!"

Goodbye Mr. James.. I truly hope you don't end up dead and alone, but at this rate I make you no promises!

The Dating Game

I hate it. Why? Because it causes me grief! Story to illustrate? Of course!

James and I went on our first date on Feb 4. It was a blind date and turned out to the the best blind date yet! He called me to ask me on a date and we talked on the phone for 30 minutes! That does NOT happen when boys call to ask a girl out... ESPECIALLY for a blind date! But James and I hit it off before we even saw each other. Good omen :) The first date was fantastic.

Since that day we have been out once a week -consistently- for the last month.. which has been great! On Valentine's day this is the message I woke up to:

(he loves to call me Sister _[lastname]_)

Please notice that it was sent at 8am! How adorable is that. It made the whole day fantastic. We had a ward activity on Valentines, but afterward James and I made pizza and s'mores using his oven broiler :) SO MUCH FUN!

On another date we colored... for 2 hours. It was ideal! We can talk for hours so it was a perfectly simple activity for us to do while we chatted till 1am... He autographed his picture and gave it to me... then I did the same and he hung my picture on his fridge.. where it still hangs today :) so I went home and sent him this picture:

He did such a good job! I named him Georgio.

Now you may be thinking-- Kaylen this sounds perfect to me! What's all the fuss? Well there are a couple things that really make me unsure. 1- He is still taking out at least 4 other girls a week. This kid is a dating machine-- we have been somewhat open with each other so I know that he has been going out a TON, but it makes me jealous! 2- We have not broken the physical touch boundary.. which is ridiculous! I am not saying that I want him to kiss me, but at least hold my hand! Do something! At this point all I have that tells me he likes me is that fact that he compliments me shamelessly when he sees me and that he consistently takes me out once a week.. but that is not enough! He could be doing that same thing with 4 other girls! I can't tell if he is stringing me along or if he is nervous to commit... It's driving me bonkers.

Friday we took a detour to visit my seminary classroom because he has been anxious to go and see where I "get to testify everyday!"(in his words).. so we went! We ended up playing the piano and talking about my students... it was SO fun :) Today I got to class and while I was putting stuff on the whiteboard before class I found this hidden message--

.. haha s'more boy :)

I texted him this picture and he said "Hahaha tell me they saw it :)" I told him I discovered it before class, so they didn't.. his reply, "So you erased it before they had a chance to see it?! Noooooo!" lol he is such a goof! but if my kids saw this the lesson would be out the door and they would have drilled me with questions about him being in the classroom, and if we had kissed, and if we were getting married. I was NOT going there haha

Sunday we saw each other again! Twice in three days! MIRACLE! We cooked dinner with his brother and one of his MANY lady friends (how do I know James dates a ton? because his roommates/brother are with different girls EVERY TIME I see them. They are all machines). We made calzones that were so delicious!

After dinner we watched the CES broadcast.. we sat next to each other.. and our forearms touched! Holy smokes! haha isn't it ridiculous that I count that as such a victory??! Oh boy. Kaylen hasn't felt loved in a long time... and it's apparent.

That night he texted me and said "Kaylen, I really appreciate spending time with you, you're wonderful. Thanks for finishing your food ;)" haha inside joke because I ALWAYS eat everything on my plate.. even when I'm stuffed.. its a problem.. but he loves it.

Why am I stressing? Because everything points to the fact that he likes me except the fact that he only ever cares to see me once a week (I have invited him to do things multiple times but he is always busy, home teaching, or doing homework.. LAME ;) he has never done anything to physically communicate affection, and HE TAKES OUT A MILLION OTHER GIRLS A WEEK! If he really liked me wouldn't he ween off dating other girls while still taking it slow with me? I don't want to be back burner girl! That is the worst.

Moral of the story.. I hate the dating game. It makes me crazy and rant on my blog for hours. This week I have a major paper due, so I am going to be working on that ALL week, then Friday night I have a date with another boy in my ward, then Saturday I have Stake Conference and a birthday dance party to go to.. so I'm booked! I think it might be good to turn him down.. maybe he will feel the twinge of jealousy... hopefully that will facilitate a situation later next week when we can have a little chat about our feelings. Because I am hooked :) he is AWESOME.

Like I said... the game is ridiculous.

oh boy

those of you that are fb friends with me knew this post was coming....

I know I shouldn't feel obligated to divulge all my crazy life experiences and such on my blog, but when I remember this doubles as part of my journal... I cave and post.

Ray is the best. He has (without fully knowing it) opened my eyes to MANY of my flaws... in a good way. He made me realize my potential and has helped to give me so many tools to reach it. I felt a uneasy after our first date. Not that he was a bad person or that something was fishy, but that it wasn't something that was going to last (I guess that's how I would explain it...) I told Ray about it (a week after our first date haha) and we had an AMAZING heart to heart where we kind of discussed our past experiences with these feelings, etc. I wanted more than anything to date him and after BRAZIL.... then KJO.... I thought 'this really can't be happening again! I must be crazy'.

From that point on I did what my friend/mentor Natalie refers to as 'tip-toed around the Lord'. aka I prayed to see if Ray and I dating was ok, but I had NO real intent. Russell M. Nelson said " 'Real intent' means that one really intends to follow the divine direction given." In other words I asked the question but didn't have the guts or the faith to actually stop if that's what the answer was. {Note to reader: if you do not have real intent the Lord won't waste his time giving you the wanted or unwanted answer.}

Finally I stopped tip-toeing because my efforts to block out the spirit from telling me not to date Ray, I also blocked the spirit from being with me in many other aspects. I loved my trip back east with him. We had a blast, but I wish that I would've been more prepared and in tune because my experiences would've been a million times more amazing if I would've... but then again if I would've listened in the first place I never would've gone at all. Double edged sword.

I knew what my answer was. I kinda just word vomited all over Ray one night. I didn't really have a chronological/well thought out explanation, so I just talked and sobbed for a good 20-30 mins.... and what did Ray do? "Kaylen, go home this weekend, spend time with your family, clear your mind, and then when you come back we will see how we both feel." calm, composed, concerned, perfect. He handles me better than anyone EVER! I think it's because he's old and has experience and just is the best. He knew the worst case scenario and that clearing my mind wasn't going to magically change everything, but he wanted both of us to gain composure and seek insight first before doing anything drastic.

I came back from the weekend and knew that it was over. We went to the park, put up his hammock between two trees and just chatted. He told me that he had thought and prayed a lot and that, even though it wasn't what he wanted, he felt at peace about us not being together anymore. Peace rarely equals Breakup... unless its the right thing to do. He didn't fight for his life.. he didn't tear me up inside... he patiently accepted what we both knew was right. I told him it was all my fault for not listening initially, but he said "Kaylen..I don't regret it ONE BIT! and I would do it all again because we have had so much fun together." .... how/why am I giving him up? Only heaven knows. Truly.

We decided we would call it mutual. I brought it up to Ray and he agreed. No one broke up with anyone. No one is at fault over the other. Peace.

Well that's not to say that it hasn't been a total bummer. I had briefly spoken to my bishop about it and the next Sunday he pulled me out in the hall to ask if Ray and I were together anymore.. I told him no. I expected him to say that he was really sorry and bummed (because he knows and really likes Ray) but instead he said 'Ok that's what I figured because there is this boy in the ward that keeps asking about you.. and he is a great guy and..... blah blah blah blah blah.' I was totally taken back. REALLY BISHOP!? do you think I'm ready to just move on? wrongo. After sacrament meeting I went outside, called Ray, and just cried to him.

I need to morn about this... at least for a little while.

Now after reading this you might think "Kaylen today is Friday.. you just took it off fb yesterday.. how long has it been if you talked after the weekend?" Well you see neither of us could bring ourselves to take it off. We had our talk on the 31st of May. It took us 10 days to finally give up and call it quits for real.

glimmer of hope: With KJo and Brazil I knew it was really over. I talked myself into thinking it might be timing, but I knew it wasn't. With Ray I can see it going either way... Ray feels the same.

In fact last night we went on our last date. We went to Terra Mia for dinner, watched Kung Fu Panda 2 in 3D (ps there were only 3 other people in the theater with us.. and they came late.. haha so it was fun to laugh as loud as we wanted and chat through the movie :) then went back to his apartment and ceremoniously changed our facebook statuses to single {we're lame I know, but it was easier to laugh while doing it together instead of crying myself to sleep at home doing it myself} . {p.s. isn't it ridiculous how crucial the fb status is to our generation..haha anyway} He took me home and before he left he said with hope in his voice "To be continued...."

to be continued.....?

The Search for Mr. Right is--- OVER!

I'm ENGAGED!

(I'll post as soon as I can :)

The Last Daze

So I haven't blogged in quite a while.. but there was a ton going on during the last weeks of school and then I've been job searching for the last week... BOO!

Last night with Jesi and Alexa

I will miss these girls

Last day in Leadership Class...

The SUNCenter girls!

Ginger... Why aren't you smiling ha ha

Me and the PRESIDENTS (Andrew SBP 08-09, Will SBP 09-10)

Tagging a TRAIN!

It's always been on my list of things to do...lol

The "We're done with Math 1050" Dance

Me and Ryan... good friends!
We decided that we're going to run into eachother at the mall in 15 years and catch up on each other's lives!

Only the baseball team and ambassadors were left at school the last week because of leadership training and a tournament so we went to "Devil's Playhouse" it's supposed to be scary, but it isn't. I went with a couple of these guys the week before and they were about to pee their pants! They were terrified! It was the funniest thing ever! They're supposed to be these big tough guys, but they were so stinking scared.. a couple even refused to go inside ha ha

The two in the pic below were ones that wouldn't come in the time before cus they were SO scared lol

Justin.. I went to say bye really quick and was there chatting till 4 a.m... I maybe have a crush on him ;)

Right before we closed the door to leave :(
311 Baby!

Ambassadors at Corona Arch

On top of the Arch... I'm the second one from the left

The group on the arch.. look at Scary's hair lol!

Our last moments together.... Posh was probably grabbing my behind--aka that's why I look like I just got violated- probably because I just did lol (Fresh Spice was missing due to the insitute trip)

These are my girls...
The Women of 311, The Spice Girls, ETC.

Your freshman year TRULY is the BEST year! I had a blast. I loved everything about it. I grew so much in spirit and in stature (the freshman 15 is no lie!)... I've experienced life away from home, I've dated and realized with every boy that I went through that Brazil is a PEACH! I've grown to be more accepting and less judgemental. I've seen people who I strive to be like and those traits which I need to avoid or better within myself. Unlike some people I can say that I've lived my freshman year at college with NO REGRETS!

SO SICK OF BOYS...

Oh my goodness. I'm done! I am SO DONE! Because Brazil was the only guy that I ever really dated I guess I figured all boys were like him. I figured all guys would want to be around the girl that they supposably liked, were thoughtful and even considerate. BOY WAS I WRONG! Boys are self centered, arrogant pieces of crap! oh my! If I have to play their stupid games ( I am NOT one to mess around with retarded mind games. They are such a waste of time- I've discovered I like it much better being straight forward) anymore I'm probably going to freak out.. oh wait I'm probably most definitely freaking out right now. I've been at college for 8 months and had 4 "situations" and 3 of them ditched me (or had girlfriends... Stewy) and the other one wanted marriage after a week- I didn't... I won't lie, before college I had never ever been shafted. I thought I was pretty high and mighty-- Let's just say that the Lord as done more than humble me this last year and made me ever so grateful for a boy that is 8,000 miles away.

Don't be concerned... I'll get over it by tomorrow--maybe

This has been another venting session (also about boys) brought to you in part by blogger

Some days I wish I was mean...

In order to fully understand the situation Friday I have to go to the beginning of 1st semester... day one of college to be exact. I met "Stewy" (this is his name because his FAVORITE tv show is family guy... Yucky..) at freshman orientation and he is a looker! At my college on full moon's they have an activity where people kiss over our "spirit" rock (it's a boulder on campus that everyone spray paints) and then you get a t-shirt that proves that you did it. Well after Sporty and I left freshman orientation I turned to her and said that I was determined to kiss him on the full moon friday night. So: 1st day I met him, 2nd day got his number, 3rd day hung out with him, & 4th night kissed him over the rock. I won't lie.. I was freaking proud of myself because he is SO good looking! After that week we probably hung out every single night for about 2 months.. Me, Stewy, and his roommates had SO much fun together! We stayed out until like 3:o0-4:00 every morning for about a month straight doing crazy adventurous things, and it really was so much fun, BUT................

He was ALWAYS texting (he'd have his left arm around me [while watching a movie] and in his right hand he would be texting and he would text close to his leg so that I couldn't read the texts--interesting), he was in my institute class and he would always tell me that he was going to come but he would never come [p.s. he is a pre-mi aka he's pre-mission], he would get phone calls from his "parents" at like 11:00 at night, he lied to me multiple times, and even though we kissed that first week he never ever kissed me again.. he'd put his arm around me, he held my hand a couple times, he'd flirt with me, etc. It was weird but since he was the very first boy that I had actually truly liked since Brazil left I didn't want to believe what I knew was true-- he had a girl friend at home.. Yikes!

So eventually I got to be really good friends with his roommate Jim (named because of his love for The Office) and Jim let me in on many secrets about Stewy... I found out all about his girl friend. Stewy had been with this girl for about 3 years, she was about an hour away at another college. I also found out that on all the weekends that I went home or out of town she would come down, and if she came down here when I was here, he would tell me that he was going home for the weekend... I could go on and on! ha ha ha so eventually I confronted him about it and he told me all this stuff about how how their relationship was on the rocks and blah blah blah, he basically told me what I wanted to hear, "well we were going to try to make a long distance relationship work, but it's harder than I expected and so now our relationship is on the rocks and I don't think that we'll be together much longer...Blah Blah Blah" (please note: that he is a HOTTY, that we get along really well, he treated me well [to my face] and he's the first boy I've liked in about a year).. at the end of that conversation I told him that as long as he was honest with me then we wouldn't have any problems.... That weekend he told me he was going home, but [thanks to insider information from Jim] really she came to visit..... I know that you're having a hard time believing that anyone would ever lie to me, but it's the truth! lol so I was done with him! It was actually pretty hard on me. I have never dated anyone but Brazil. Brazil was my first kiss, first boyfriend, etc. He treated me like a queen and was pretty whipped ;), so I had never had the experience of being in a crappy situation like this. I know that it wasn't SO terrible because we weren't "together" ( we just hung out everyday, flirted, and snuggled ), but I felt like some dirty mistress of a piece of crap hottie... ANYWAYS!

So it's been a while since that whole situation went down.. I still think that Stewy is hot (I looked through all of my pics and I don't have any pictures that do him justice.. if you saw them you would think that I was retarded for thinking he was gorgeous.. so I'm not even going to give you the option of thinking I'm dumb!), but I don't go over there very much anymore and there is still that awkward tension between us....

Yesterday there was a baseball game and Sporty's B-friend is on the team so we went to support. [keep in mind that Stewy is also on the team] Me, Sporty, and 2 of our friends we sitting watching and guess who's there................................................the girlfriend! She and Sporty had met at one of the other games and she came and asked if she could sit by us -- can you say awkward!

ha ha ha I had no idea what the crap to do. I know that she has no idea who I am, but I felt like a terrible person because I'd kissed her boyfriend. I could have told her tons of stories and completely ruined their relationship, but no I chose to be nice. They played a double header and in between games the players all came out to chat. Did Stewy come anywhere near us.. HECK NO! lol Maybe he is smarter than I gave him credit for! ;) It was an interesting experience because before I would try to think of what she would look like and wonder why I wasn't good enough or pretty enough for him. I know that he wasn't what I was looking for and not someone that I wanted to end up with, but I was jealous of her and after Friday's game I just really felt sorry for her. She has a boyfriend that isn't loyal to her [Since he and I have been over he has made out with other girls on campus.. which poses the question why didn't he ever kiss me? because the thought of his girlfriend didn't really stop him from kissing other girls-- interesting]. She's in a worse situation then I would ever want to be in. I'm not jealous at all! He may be handsome and fun, but he is an unfaithful liar. Brownie Points to Brazil, who never treated me disrespectfully. But once again-- Can You Say Awkward?

Blind Date

Sporty Spice likes Devin. Devin is one of those super amazing guys that is a future prophet or something like that... anyways, so being the good guy that he is he decides to set me up with one of his best friends Jake. I HATE blind dates.. so I already know that it's going to be a bit awkward, but to add to the awkwardness of the situation, Devin pulled up facebook and showed Jake picture of me and then told me how stoked and excited Jake is to meet me... awkward...The thing about blind dates is that you're both supposed to go into the date 'blind' but due to the fact that Jake added me on facebook it wasn't quite so blind anymore. The reason that this is so bad is because there are pics like the one to the right where he looks pretty decent and I'm thinking this is gonna be fun...he's pretty cute... but the on the other hand there are pics of him like the one on the left that make you wonder about him. (he probably took this pic while cutting his hair and decided to cut a mullet for like 2 seconds.. but regardless) So guaranteed we're both looking at each other's pics and making presumptuous judgements about each other. The day of the date arrived (aka yesterday). I woke up, worked out, got in the shower, and then BAM... migraine. YEAH! maybe it was a bit of an omen. So we delay our departure so that I can take a quick nap to help through the pain a little bit. Since Jake lives an hour away Me, Sporty, and Devin made the trip out to his house a little later than planned. Our date had to be in the day time because Jake works at the MTC (missionary training center) from 6-9pm. Now this is a good sign. I learned that he'd been back from his LDS mission since September and I was impressed that he was staying close to those standards and working there at night... anyway so first impressions were decent. He looked pretty good, seemed nice. Everything was good, but as the day went on his lack of maturity came out more and more.. for instance: everything was competitive to the 10th degree-he had to win everything-no matter what we did, he told us stories about how his stomach hurt one day and how he had to go to the hospital and "get his stools tested", etc. It was just strange. When boys initially come home from their missions they can sometimes be weird. Some boys get over it quicker than others, but to me it seemed like he was still a little out of the social loops. It's hard because I look at him and he's good looking, and as a member of the church (LDS church) he's great. He made multiple comments about the mission that he served in Mexico and he's an all around good guy, but at the same time I found that I was laughing more at him than with him... Girls are ruthless, but I just knew that that wasn't what I am looking for in a suitor. So the search continues...