It has been 8 months since I was in the seminary classroom and for the last 8 months I have carried a chip on my shoulder. I look over all of my travels and experiences over the last half year and at times I had a hard time feeling happiness... which made me even more frustrated because I felt like I should have been having the time of my life and sometimes it wasn't the time of my life. Since returning and beginning my BYU coursework last week I realized my mood was consistently below mediocre and unsatisfied, and laced randomly with moments of brief joy. I could not figure out the catalyst! Megan and I discussed that it might be related to the fact that I had not had a boyfriend in over a year and a half--aka I was deprived of affection and love, which (though I might be deprived of that) didn't settle my restless heart because that meant I was morphing into a needy "I WILL MARRY THE NEXT BOY WHO WALKS DOWN MY STREET" girl and that was a depressing thought! To add to my stress I was about to start teaching seminary again... and the mere thought of subjecting myself to the scrutiny and demand of 50+ teenagers again made a knot the size of a baseball rise from my stomach and squeeze my chest. Not good. Last winter those 7&8 period students rocked my world.. in a bad way. They shook my confidence to the core and left me feeling like an abandoned failure. I knew I would not survive another semester like that. I prayed, fasted, paced myself, got a blessing, my family and friends prayed and fasted.. Even the night before teaching I felt little change in my confidence level. I thought I would throw up because I forced myself to eat a cup of yogurt for breakfast at 5am (did I mention I'm teaching early morning and first period? ya) and I wanted more than anything to give up, call my preservice director and quit. With 3 hours of sleep under my belt from a restless night of bad dreams and tossing and turning, I pulled myself up off my knees and walked into my new seminary home with the prayer of faith burning through my chest. Sam was the first student to walk into my classroom and after that moment everything changed. My previous teaching semester left my mind and I felt my true self emerge for the first time in a year. I have been teaching for 3 days and already I feel a difference in my overall attitude. These kids have literally healed my soul. I have since realized that seminary is more than just a career choice I am pursuing, rather it encompasses and involves the very nature and heart of who I am. I do not expect this semester to be peaches 'n cream from now on.. quite the contrary I know that this new experience will purge me as a teacher and individual in a new way, but to be honest I feel like the hardest part is over. I survived and chose to continue.. now the challenge is not to just survive but to excel.
peace. and what a blessing that is
