Here is the deal. Last Sunday we made the calzones and watched the CES deal.. well James and I were coming to a fork in the road.. either we were going to move forward and do something or we were going to be done! Last Tuesday I was sitting in my room trying to prep my seminary lesson for the next day but I couldn't focus.. I kept thinking about what I was going to say to him if we talked. I ended up putting my seminary stuff aside and I just started running scenarios through my head. What would I say, How would I say it, etc. After like 10 minutes my phone goes DING DING.. it was James.. this was the conversation:
I was totally thrown off by how upfront he was! I just started laughing and then responded and he ended up calling me thirty minutes later. We talked for over an hour.. I started the conversation by telling him exactly how I felt about not being a 'back burner girl' and that it needed to be going somewhere or not at all. The conversation boiled down to this:
Kaylen.. You are so awesome. You are everything that I need in a future wife. I wake up thinking about you and I go to bed thinking about you.. I have been taking out a lot of other girls, but I don't compliment them like I compliment you. I don't take them out consistently either! You would never be back burner girl! The only problem is that in 2 months you are going to England and you will be there for 7 weeks. That will be no fun for me because I won't be able to "get to know people" (aka date or do ANYTHING fun) for 7 whole weeks and that doesn't sound enjoyable to me. My dad told me to date a lot after I got back from my mission and so I've been doing that.. (he is 24) I don't want to say yes to you because that means that I would be saying no to the other 5,000+ eligable girls at BYU and that scares me because there might be someone prettier, more athletic, more musically inclined, or all over better than you (not said but definitely implied)... so can we just keep it in third gear or shift it down into second gear and keep dating other people until July when you get back and then we can see where it goes from there?
No. No in a million ways. No I won't shift down to second gear because then I am TOTALLY back burner girl! Boys think they are being SOOOOO cautious by dating a lot of girls and in their minds they think "The prophet says get married.. so I'm dating a ton!!" WRONG! The prophet says get married.. which means stop dating around and commit already! The funny thing is that we aren't even talking about marriage.. we're just contemplating the idea of dating more seriously. Where is the faith? Where is the faith to move forward to do as the prophet has said? Why would you not want to initiate the most crucial part of the Plan of Happiness in your life? Why would you WANT TO KEEP DATING? That's the part that I really don't get. I am SO sick of dating. I honestly don't care how many siblings are in your family.. I don't care what your life goals are.. so sorry. Why? Why would you want to continue playing that game?
I confronted him about a lot of issues. He asked if I had thought about us and England and I told him that I didn't even know what I was teaching in class tomorrow! And England is in TWO MONTHS! There is plenty of time to decide whether or not this is worthwhile before we even have to confront that issue..James, life is about faith! It's about walking in the darkness, stepping into murky water and taking risks when prompted or commanded! Dating is a gamble.. you either gamble me and lose me.. or you keep me at the loss of the other 5,000 girls. You have to decide. Third gear is idealistic, but not realistic.. we either move to 4th or we shut off the car.
(this summery of the conversation is pretty raw.. It lacks the fluff of niceness and respect with which we addressed each other and basically just lays out in essence what was said)
We ended up deciding that we were too tired to make the decision that night.. that we were both going to think about it and then talk soon...
That was Tuesday night.
Wednesday morning I already knew what I would say to him.. "James whatever you decide you want to do is right! If you choose not to date me then I'm glad! Because I need a boy that can walk in darkness with faith and jump into murky pools head first without looking back.. because that's who I am and that's how I roll! So if you can't date me because you are being "cautious" aka terrified of marriage then I don't want to be with you either because I want to be with a man full of faith! However if you choose yes then great! That shows me that you have human fears, but you are willing to go forward with faith regardless.. and that is SO attractive to me." Either way I felt like I was a winner!
Well I haven't heard from him since haha and usually I take things like that kinda hard. I hate rejection..But I have been totally fine! I know that James and I would be so great together.. and to be honest I think that is what scared him the most... that this might actually be IT. But that's the thing! No faith! No desire to move forward and progress! That's a lie.... he does want to have a family, but in his words: "It will be some much fun to be a dad! I can't wait! But getting to that point (aka engagement and wedding) feels like walking through cob webs to me."
ANYWAY that's the story. My first question on my next good date is going to be "Are you scared of commitment for any reason? Because the last 3 boys that I have liked have all turned out to be flakes when it comes to moving forward and I'm sick of playing that game.."
LOL This post makes me laugh because I feel like one of those "single sisters" that writes complaints to The First Presidency about boys not dating to marry. I am not by any means desperate, I'm just sick of hearing the same story over and over.. "you're amazing! But saying yes to you means I have to say no to every other girl.. and you're not cool enough for me to gamble ALL that... but stick around and maybe we can reconvene when the timing is more convenient!"
Goodbye Mr. James.. I truly hope you don't end up dead and alone, but at this rate I make you no promises!
