"Boys, if they hath not faith, end up dead.. being alone" -James 2:17

ok ok so that's not how the scripture goes.. but this week I likened the scriptures unto myself and there is the application :) haha. Story time? Naturally!

Here is the deal. Last Sunday we made the calzones and watched the CES deal.. well James and I were coming to a fork in the road.. either we were going to move forward and do something or we were going to be done! Last Tuesday I was sitting in my room trying to prep my seminary lesson for the next day but I couldn't focus.. I kept thinking about what I was going to say to him if we talked. I ended up putting my seminary stuff aside and I just started running scenarios through my head. What would I say, How would I say it, etc. After like 10 minutes my phone goes DING DING.. it was James.. this was the conversation:

I was totally thrown off by how upfront he was! I just started laughing and then responded and he ended up calling me thirty minutes later. We talked for over an hour.. I started the conversation by telling him exactly how I felt about not being a 'back burner girl' and that it needed to be going somewhere or not at all. The conversation boiled down to this:

Kaylen.. You are so awesome. You are everything that I need in a future wife. I wake up thinking about you and I go to bed thinking about you.. I have been taking out a lot of other girls, but I don't compliment them like I compliment you. I don't take them out consistently either! You would never be back burner girl! The only problem is that in 2 months you are going to England and you will be there for 7 weeks. That will be no fun for me because I won't be able to "get to know people" (aka date or do ANYTHING fun) for 7 whole weeks and that doesn't sound enjoyable to me. My dad told me to date a lot after I got back from my mission and so I've been doing that.. (he is 24) I don't want to say yes to you because that means that I would be saying no to the other 5,000+ eligable girls at BYU and that scares me because there might be someone prettier, more athletic, more musically inclined, or all over better than you (not said but definitely implied)... so can we just keep it in third gear or shift it down into second gear and keep dating other people until July when you get back and then we can see where it goes from there?

No. No in a million ways. No I won't shift down to second gear because then I am TOTALLY back burner girl! Boys think they are being SOOOOO cautious by dating a lot of girls and in their minds they think "The prophet says get married.. so I'm dating a ton!!" WRONG! The prophet says get married.. which means stop dating around and commit already! The funny thing is that we aren't even talking about marriage.. we're just contemplating the idea of dating more seriously. Where is the faith? Where is the faith to move forward to do as the prophet has said? Why would you not want to initiate the most crucial part of the Plan of Happiness in your life? Why would you WANT TO KEEP DATING? That's the part that I really don't get. I am SO sick of dating. I honestly don't care how many siblings are in your family.. I don't care what your life goals are.. so sorry. Why? Why would you want to continue playing that game?

I confronted him about a lot of issues. He asked if I had thought about us and England and I told him that I didn't even know what I was teaching in class tomorrow! And England is in TWO MONTHS! There is plenty of time to decide whether or not this is worthwhile before we even have to confront that issue..James, life is about faith! It's about walking in the darkness, stepping into murky water and taking risks when prompted or commanded! Dating is a gamble.. you either gamble me and lose me.. or you keep me at the loss of the other 5,000 girls. You have to decide. Third gear is idealistic, but not realistic.. we either move to 4th or we shut off the car.

(this summery of the conversation is pretty raw.. It lacks the fluff of niceness and respect with which we addressed each other and basically just lays out in essence what was said)

We ended up deciding that we were too tired to make the decision that night.. that we were both going to think about it and then talk soon...

That was Tuesday night.

Wednesday morning I already knew what I would say to him.. "James whatever you decide you want to do is right! If you choose not to date me then I'm glad! Because I need a boy that can walk in darkness with faith and jump into murky pools head first without looking back.. because that's who I am and that's how I roll! So if you can't date me because you are being "cautious" aka terrified of marriage then I don't want to be with you either because I want to be with a man full of faith! However if you choose yes then great! That shows me that you have human fears, but you are willing to go forward with faith regardless.. and that is SO attractive to me." Either way I felt like I was a winner!

Well I haven't heard from him since haha and usually I take things like that kinda hard. I hate rejection..But I have been totally fine! I know that James and I would be so great together.. and to be honest I think that is what scared him the most... that this might actually be IT. But that's the thing! No faith! No desire to move forward and progress! That's a lie.... he does want to have a family, but in his words: "It will be some much fun to be a dad! I can't wait! But getting to that point (aka engagement and wedding) feels like walking through cob webs to me."

ANYWAY that's the story. My first question on my next good date is going to be "Are you scared of commitment for any reason? Because the last 3 boys that I have liked have all turned out to be flakes when it comes to moving forward and I'm sick of playing that game.."

LOL This post makes me laugh because I feel like one of those "single sisters" that writes complaints to The First Presidency about boys not dating to marry. I am not by any means desperate, I'm just sick of hearing the same story over and over.. "you're amazing! But saying yes to you means I have to say no to every other girl.. and you're not cool enough for me to gamble ALL that... but stick around and maybe we can reconvene when the timing is more convenient!"

Goodbye Mr. James.. I truly hope you don't end up dead and alone, but at this rate I make you no promises!

The Dating Game

I hate it. Why? Because it causes me grief! Story to illustrate? Of course!

James and I went on our first date on Feb 4. It was a blind date and turned out to the the best blind date yet! He called me to ask me on a date and we talked on the phone for 30 minutes! That does NOT happen when boys call to ask a girl out... ESPECIALLY for a blind date! But James and I hit it off before we even saw each other. Good omen :) The first date was fantastic.

Since that day we have been out once a week -consistently- for the last month.. which has been great! On Valentine's day this is the message I woke up to:

(he loves to call me Sister _[lastname]_)

Please notice that it was sent at 8am! How adorable is that. It made the whole day fantastic. We had a ward activity on Valentines, but afterward James and I made pizza and s'mores using his oven broiler :) SO MUCH FUN!

On another date we colored... for 2 hours. It was ideal! We can talk for hours so it was a perfectly simple activity for us to do while we chatted till 1am... He autographed his picture and gave it to me... then I did the same and he hung my picture on his fridge.. where it still hangs today :) so I went home and sent him this picture:

He did such a good job! I named him Georgio.

Now you may be thinking-- Kaylen this sounds perfect to me! What's all the fuss? Well there are a couple things that really make me unsure. 1- He is still taking out at least 4 other girls a week. This kid is a dating machine-- we have been somewhat open with each other so I know that he has been going out a TON, but it makes me jealous! 2- We have not broken the physical touch boundary.. which is ridiculous! I am not saying that I want him to kiss me, but at least hold my hand! Do something! At this point all I have that tells me he likes me is that fact that he compliments me shamelessly when he sees me and that he consistently takes me out once a week.. but that is not enough! He could be doing that same thing with 4 other girls! I can't tell if he is stringing me along or if he is nervous to commit... It's driving me bonkers.

Friday we took a detour to visit my seminary classroom because he has been anxious to go and see where I "get to testify everyday!"(in his words).. so we went! We ended up playing the piano and talking about my students... it was SO fun :) Today I got to class and while I was putting stuff on the whiteboard before class I found this hidden message--

.. haha s'more boy :)

I texted him this picture and he said "Hahaha tell me they saw it :)" I told him I discovered it before class, so they didn't.. his reply, "So you erased it before they had a chance to see it?! Noooooo!" lol he is such a goof! but if my kids saw this the lesson would be out the door and they would have drilled me with questions about him being in the classroom, and if we had kissed, and if we were getting married. I was NOT going there haha

Sunday we saw each other again! Twice in three days! MIRACLE! We cooked dinner with his brother and one of his MANY lady friends (how do I know James dates a ton? because his roommates/brother are with different girls EVERY TIME I see them. They are all machines). We made calzones that were so delicious!

After dinner we watched the CES broadcast.. we sat next to each other.. and our forearms touched! Holy smokes! haha isn't it ridiculous that I count that as such a victory??! Oh boy. Kaylen hasn't felt loved in a long time... and it's apparent.

That night he texted me and said "Kaylen, I really appreciate spending time with you, you're wonderful. Thanks for finishing your food ;)" haha inside joke because I ALWAYS eat everything on my plate.. even when I'm stuffed.. its a problem.. but he loves it.

Why am I stressing? Because everything points to the fact that he likes me except the fact that he only ever cares to see me once a week (I have invited him to do things multiple times but he is always busy, home teaching, or doing homework.. LAME ;) he has never done anything to physically communicate affection, and HE TAKES OUT A MILLION OTHER GIRLS A WEEK! If he really liked me wouldn't he ween off dating other girls while still taking it slow with me? I don't want to be back burner girl! That is the worst.

Moral of the story.. I hate the dating game. It makes me crazy and rant on my blog for hours. This week I have a major paper due, so I am going to be working on that ALL week, then Friday night I have a date with another boy in my ward, then Saturday I have Stake Conference and a birthday dance party to go to.. so I'm booked! I think it might be good to turn him down.. maybe he will feel the twinge of jealousy... hopefully that will facilitate a situation later next week when we can have a little chat about our feelings. Because I am hooked :) he is AWESOME.

Like I said... the game is ridiculous.

Words of Wisdom We Learned in Proverbs...

Me: Can you guys think of any modern day proverbs that would be more relevant to us today?

(time passing)

Student: "Youth Conference is like medicine. You never want to take it, but afterwards you always feel good."

Amen to that Sister! I can think of a million things that I can relate that with...

Higher Education is like a AIDS... a slow, and often painful death.

umm life is crazy?

That is my excuse for not blogging. I honestly don't have time... this semester is ridiculous for me. Between 13 credit hours of school, teaching seminary everyday, my church calling, my dating life, and going running at 7am I am pooped!

Teaching is quite possibly the most challenging task I've ever been given. Everyday it's a roller coaster. One class is totally quiet and I can't get them to talk or read or smile. The other class is TOO talkative and I can rarely get them to talk about the gospel. I have found that a lesson that is successful for one class is not always successful for the other :) Oh seminary teaching! I have been in tears many days (never in class) because I get so worked up about it.. IT CAN BE SO OVERWHELMING! Tomorrow we're killing Goliath.. I'm excited about it and hope that the kids like what I have planned!!

School is ridiculous and I find myself not having adequate time to prepare my lessons and do my school work.. so both suffer. I need more prep time and more homework time, but there really aren't enough hours in the day. I am learning time management skills this semester :/

I got an iPhone! Holler. It's cute and I love it.

WOW.. what a great picture of me before I go to bed.. no make up, and a retainer.. and bug eyes.. definitely my best look haha

Dating Life. OH BOY(s). If you would like to set me up on a blind date.. today is the day! I don't know what is in the water but it's "Kaylen+January=Blind date central" Just in the last 36 hours I have been approached about being set up four times. Once by my roommate, Once by a fellow seminary teacher who wants to set me up with a past student, once by a student who is adamant that I date her older brother (not gonna happen) and last by a friend from home who want me to go out with his friend from school... I have little faith in blind dates seeing as I've been on at least 20 of them in the last year and none of them have yielded any "good fruit" but maybe one day I will marry a blind date :)... maybe.

Well that's pretty much the whole story of my life. school, prep, teach, homework, repeat. But I love the Gospel and I am grateful for the chance I have to bear my testimony every day. It's a beautiful thing.

The Plan for 2012

1-

STUDENT TEACHING! and hopefully discovering gems and treasures in the Old Testament

2-

Going to AZ to visit the cutest little niece in the whole wide world.

3-

Running another 13.1 mile race.. May 2012. Kill me now! :)

4-

Internship to England/Wales in June! The whole thing is still in the workings, but I will be hollering from the UK for 6 weeks this summer!

5-

STUDENT TEACHING! If they like what I do this semester then the Church will push me along in the program and I'll start student teaching again in the Fall.. New Testament style.

6-

GRADUATION!!!!!!! Hallelujah! If everything goes according to plan (which it hasn't so far because I was supposed to graduate in April) then I should be done with all my schooling in December! That means that I will be eligible for hire.. which mean that come next January I could be hired as a full time Seminary teacher :) How awesome would that be!

I won't lie I feel a little uneasy posting my expectations for the coming year because I might be jinxing myself, but it's always fun to see how off my predictions are :) Happy New Year!

Transition Time

This week marked a very LARGE milestone for my career life. I was offered a student teaching position starting January 16 :) CRAZY. I am full of all sorts of emotions including anxiety, anticipation and inadequacy. I will be teaching the second half of the Old Testament. Ya I don't know. I can think of Jonah and the whale.. Daniel in the Lions den.. David and Goliath.. that's 3 lessons. I have to teach like 50. AH! haha but I really am excited to have my own little class... well 2 classes to be specific.

The only really bad thing coming out of this is that I don't have time to work at the bank and also teach. Sad day. I absolutely love the bank. I love the people that I work with and I enjoy the clients that I have built friendships with.. and I am just going to miss it so much! I have been with working for this bank almost 4 years now. That's a long time! I won't lie.. after working as a teller for that long I am pretty good at my job. It's easy and I'm really comfortable with it. When I leave work I leave all thoughts and worries about it there.

Now switching from a job that is easy (granted there are days when it isn't, but as a general rule) to a job that challenges me in every sphere of my being is scary! Teaching is a game that cannot be won. A beast that is never conquered. The minute I think I figured it out, the Lord totally throws me a curve ball and I realize how small I am without His help! It's a beautiful process to learn and grow, but man it can be difficult sometimes!

Let's just say that a chunk of my Christmas gifts will be cardigans and skirts :)

"That's not that big of a difference!"

OH THE BANK..

Today I was working at the good ol' bank and there were these boys in a little suv in lane three. Tyler (my co-worker) and I were talking about how I need a date for this thing going on this weekend and we joked about asking the boy in lane three that I was helping. I laughed and sent the kids receipt to him. The boy turned to his friend and his friend looks at me and they both look over and are kinda chatting.. Then I hear Tyler say into the intercom "Dude just ask her.." and I turned to him and was like WHAT?! The boys ERUPTED with laughter

JOSH- I don't even know her name!

It's Kaylen.. she told you that when she completed your transaction...

(I am TOTALLY red in the face, embarrassed, & laughing hysterically because there is no way that his kid is more than 20..)

ME- Joshua.. How old are you?

19!

(me laughing)

I'm 22...

Really?? (thinks for a minute) That's not that big of a difference

I could tell you wanted to ask for her number.. so if you're cool with the age thing then I guess it's up to Kaylen..

(me still laughing while I write my number on a peice of paper)

Joshua this is going to make a great story.

You're really sending your number out!?

Why not.. (still laughing)

I sent out 2 candy canes, he said he'd call me, and they left. HILARIOUS. Tyler and I joked and giggled about that the rest of the shift. He seemed like a super cute kid but to put things in perspective-- six months ago he could've been my seminary student. SO SO SO funny. He texted me this afternoon and I told him to call me in a couple years haha.

Kaylen's dating life has been diminished to 19 year old bank clients. Not promising ;)