oh boy

those of you that are fb friends with me knew this post was coming....

I know I shouldn't feel obligated to divulge all my crazy life experiences and such on my blog, but when I remember this doubles as part of my journal... I cave and post.

Ray is the best. He has (without fully knowing it) opened my eyes to MANY of my flaws... in a good way. He made me realize my potential and has helped to give me so many tools to reach it. I felt a uneasy after our first date. Not that he was a bad person or that something was fishy, but that it wasn't something that was going to last (I guess that's how I would explain it...) I told Ray about it (a week after our first date haha) and we had an AMAZING heart to heart where we kind of discussed our past experiences with these feelings, etc. I wanted more than anything to date him and after BRAZIL.... then KJO.... I thought 'this really can't be happening again! I must be crazy'.

From that point on I did what my friend/mentor Natalie refers to as 'tip-toed around the Lord'. aka I prayed to see if Ray and I dating was ok, but I had NO real intent. Russell M. Nelson said " 'Real intent' means that one really intends to follow the divine direction given." In other words I asked the question but didn't have the guts or the faith to actually stop if that's what the answer was. {Note to reader: if you do not have real intent the Lord won't waste his time giving you the wanted or unwanted answer.}

Finally I stopped tip-toeing because my efforts to block out the spirit from telling me not to date Ray, I also blocked the spirit from being with me in many other aspects. I loved my trip back east with him. We had a blast, but I wish that I would've been more prepared and in tune because my experiences would've been a million times more amazing if I would've... but then again if I would've listened in the first place I never would've gone at all. Double edged sword.

I knew what my answer was. I kinda just word vomited all over Ray one night. I didn't really have a chronological/well thought out explanation, so I just talked and sobbed for a good 20-30 mins.... and what did Ray do? "Kaylen, go home this weekend, spend time with your family, clear your mind, and then when you come back we will see how we both feel." calm, composed, concerned, perfect. He handles me better than anyone EVER! I think it's because he's old and has experience and just is the best. He knew the worst case scenario and that clearing my mind wasn't going to magically change everything, but he wanted both of us to gain composure and seek insight first before doing anything drastic.

I came back from the weekend and knew that it was over. We went to the park, put up his hammock between two trees and just chatted. He told me that he had thought and prayed a lot and that, even though it wasn't what he wanted, he felt at peace about us not being together anymore. Peace rarely equals Breakup... unless its the right thing to do. He didn't fight for his life.. he didn't tear me up inside... he patiently accepted what we both knew was right. I told him it was all my fault for not listening initially, but he said "Kaylen..I don't regret it ONE BIT! and I would do it all again because we have had so much fun together." .... how/why am I giving him up? Only heaven knows. Truly.

We decided we would call it mutual. I brought it up to Ray and he agreed. No one broke up with anyone. No one is at fault over the other. Peace.

Well that's not to say that it hasn't been a total bummer. I had briefly spoken to my bishop about it and the next Sunday he pulled me out in the hall to ask if Ray and I were together anymore.. I told him no. I expected him to say that he was really sorry and bummed (because he knows and really likes Ray) but instead he said 'Ok that's what I figured because there is this boy in the ward that keeps asking about you.. and he is a great guy and..... blah blah blah blah blah.' I was totally taken back. REALLY BISHOP!? do you think I'm ready to just move on? wrongo. After sacrament meeting I went outside, called Ray, and just cried to him.

I need to morn about this... at least for a little while.

Now after reading this you might think "Kaylen today is Friday.. you just took it off fb yesterday.. how long has it been if you talked after the weekend?" Well you see neither of us could bring ourselves to take it off. We had our talk on the 31st of May. It took us 10 days to finally give up and call it quits for real.

glimmer of hope: With KJo and Brazil I knew it was really over. I talked myself into thinking it might be timing, but I knew it wasn't. With Ray I can see it going either way... Ray feels the same.

In fact last night we went on our last date. We went to Terra Mia for dinner, watched Kung Fu Panda 2 in 3D (ps there were only 3 other people in the theater with us.. and they came late.. haha so it was fun to laugh as loud as we wanted and chat through the movie :) then went back to his apartment and ceremoniously changed our facebook statuses to single {we're lame I know, but it was easier to laugh while doing it together instead of crying myself to sleep at home doing it myself} . {p.s. isn't it ridiculous how crucial the fb status is to our generation..haha anyway} He took me home and before he left he said with hope in his voice "To be continued...."

to be continued.....?